I don't know anymore...

I'm a sad, sad girl today.


I have so many blessings I don't know why I let certain things affect me so much. Actually, I know why - it's because these things revolve around love which to me is the only thing that matters at the end of the day. I don't ask for much and I don't need much. I am so confused. I love my friends for their support but  I don't want to hear "new year, new you!" I don't want a new me, I like me and I like who I am, I've come a long way and taken many strides to improving myself and I just don't understand how not one person wants to get to truly know me with good intentions. I have a lot to offer - I know I'm not perfect: I'm not the skinniest, the prettiest or even the smartest but I have value and can be lovable. I just want to know when it'll be my time to be happy. I've been waiting, not always patiently, but for the most part and people tell me to focus on myself which I don't disagree with, but I've done that. I focused on me in high school and through the majority of college and even some time after college. I'm done with that - I know who I am, I know what I believe in and I know for the most part what I want out of life...

I don't want to live for just me, that's not who I am. I am tired and sad of being alone. I've been through a lot in my life and it's broken me down, I don't know how much more I can through alone. I don't like to be alone, I fall asleep every night with the TV on because then I don't feel so alone. I used to worry too much about things that happened but I'm so easy-going now and there are so many things I want to say and so many emotions trapped in my heart, but for the sake of others and me knowing that what I've done in the past doesn't work for the good of anyone, I'm keeping all of it inside and I hurt. Most of me wants some answers and the rest of me knows it won't do any good to seek those. I'm trying (and yes I need to do better) to trust God and stay hopeful but right now I can't seem to get there. I feel like it's a broken record of you're not good enough and you'll never know why.

Hopefully the past continues to repeat itself but then that just results in people coming around when it's too late but it also has lead to something a little better than I had before. "Sometimes God doesn't take something from your grasp to punish you, but merely open your hand to receiving something better." I can't think of what could be better (well, actually Tim Tebow would beat out a lot of things but we all know as much as I want that to happen it won't). I try to not look for it where it's not supposed to be in my life. Most of the time, it does start to come when I least expect it so I have heeded that advice. There is nothing more I can do besides what I have been doing - waiting. "Love is patient, love is kind..."{1 Corinthians}. It just gets frustrating and painful, especially when I'm semi-blindsided and have no answers or rationalities to comprehend. I'm doing the best I can and honestly, I think it's better than a lot of people (okay, females) in my position. I am so patient, respectful, understanding, loving, fun, witty, easy-going and honest - all I want in return is for a chance. I just want someone to take a true chance (not a sample) on me, it may not end like either of us expected, if it ends at all, but you won't be disappointed.

I have only loved a very small few in my life and sadly never said it to them, mostly because I knew they didn't feel the same. Of all the love I give, I get little in return. I usually don't expect anything back when I give but love is like energy sometimes. I can only give so much before it's used up and there's nothing left. Though Jesus has taught me there is no such thing as too much love. Everything comes in time I know....but dear time - I'm kind of feed up with your games and your inability to work out thus far, sincerely ~Erin